HEALING IS HAPPENING by Caroline Jamieson

You could have done your job it wasnt that hard was it
To love a small girl
One you gave birth to.

But you were wounded you were
Before you even started

You had nothing to give a child
Yours had been taken prior
You had birthed
Without family
In a the shittest place
He was ripped off you
You couldnt hold him
The telegram read
Male dog delivered
Cruel days…

Then another another son
Taken away another grief for you
Two sons both taken
Under the most disfusting circunstances

Then you had another 11mths
Later at 18
That was me
I endured your postnatel depression
I was what to you
I have no idea
I was your “baby”
What did you do with her
What did you do
That i grew up
So fucked up
Was ot you
Or eas it him
Ow was it all of you together
Was it your inability to parent me
Was it i was just too much
Did i demand of you did
Was i too big a demand

Were you not able to give to me
That what i needed
To be able to grow up
To be whole an adult
Able to live successfully and be an adult.
Years of chaos
Years of self abuse
Years of pain
Years of struggle
Just trying to survive
So many years wanting to be dead
Holding on
Believing somehow i could make it better
Hurt so many people
Hurt myself the most
My heart is filled with sorrow
Sorrow pain longing
A gaping fucking hole
That you left in me
Ive bever been ok
Ive lied to you to protect you
In my shame
Dosnt some of that belong to you

Its the shame of who i have been
The shame of struggle
The ahame of psin
That sought out of desperation
The most ghastly of acts

You have to take some responsibility fir that its not all mine!!!!

Im not that person anymore
Not from today
I dont owe you that level of protection anymore
I dont habe to carry all this shame
Some of it lies at your feet
Your very own shame
Thats what i see
Now i understand
My shame is reflected to me in your shame.. I see ot every day
The lack of self care the smoking the drinking the inability to take any care of you to present you as someone to be a little proud of..
I get it you couldnt do your own work
I tried to help you do that
But you chose not to
How dearly you paid for what happened to you

How much more have I.
Not only have i carried your pain and shame i have heaped buckets of it upon myself.

Because i was broken by you
I was raped by him
I had noone to protect me
That was your role to do it was not mine
I was 4.