I visualize a wall through a fog. Just realized yesterday. Fog the new emotion. Hard to see myself with clarity. I must give up trying to find concrete answers, I think. The foundation was laid without intention. Self doubt, fear, discouragement, degradation, futility, valueless At first a cairn constructed of stones, piled dry. Later came the mortar that set it. I’ve been chipping at it for many years. Did not know it would take a full life time to lossen a single stone. I loosen a stone then someone (sarcastic eye roll) comes along and tuck points it solidly back into place. Corona came in like a wrecking ball. Destroying the isolation I place on myself. I have been the pinacle of social distancing and detachment.

Now I’m older I have been, making a concious effort to reattache to others with as much honesty and genuiness I can muster. Obstacles exist that seem unsurrmontable. Then British Lesbian came along. Good thing it is online, otherwise I would break I think.