Heart Pounding 

Tears streaming down my cheeks 

Rage in my chest 

Fear in my gut 

I know there is more for me 

Than the life I’ve chosen to live

Still 

I say yes to the pain

 

Fingers around my neck

Large body crushing my ribs 

Strained voice asking me

“Do you like not being able to breathe?”

I say yes to the pain

 

Walking down the aisle 

Pretending it never happened 

Faking the fairytale 

Cake and sparklers

Dinner and dancing 

Vows on a warm summer night 

Isn’t this what I’ve always wanted? 

I push my truth back into my depths

And say yes to the pain 

 

Dead eyed man on the couch 

Promises me the world 

Spends my money 

On gifts he buys for me

I say “thank you”

But I mean “fuck you”

Still

I say yes to the pain

 

Fleeing the house

Packing four backpacks

Because I can’t think fast enough 

To take just one suitcase

He gives me one hour to agree to therapy 

One hour until he gets home

To do what I don’t know

So I go.

I go.

 

Cheap hotels for two weeks

Paying with cash 

So he can’t find me

He texts me “I’m coming”

So I leave the car in a parking lot 

I say yes to the pain 

 

I take taxis to work

While he waits for me to come back

I never go back

Twelve years a slave 

I say yes to the pain 

 

I can’t believe my own hand

Dialing the lawyer 

I tell her everything 

Again and again

I want a divorce 

So I sign the page 

With all of my might

With all of my rage

 

Eventually he will leave 

And I return home 

Healing will take months  

Maybe years 

This I know 

But I said yes to the pain

I knew when to go 

 

I left in July 

Now it is May

I am alive 

I am better this way 

 

I saw my own shadow 

I felt my own pain

I broke my own spirit 

I danced in the rain 

 

And now I’m the hide 

Of the beast that I’ve slain 

 

I chose my life 

I said yes to the pain.