the grit of the undertow
when you hit the biggest wave- you are not capable of,
never prepared for -to be dragged under–
ripped open by forces unseen

last night I skipped the hillbilly heroin
25 milligrams of seroquel prescribed by Dr. I don’t remember his name—
Too many now to count

I am tired of the chemical haze every morning
the dumbing down of me

I am so tired
This low is hard hitting and fast
But the rip tide will not take me

Too many now care
If I show up
Even if you don’t know my name
my hair, my face

But I walk the talk–I write, I do yoga and loving kindness meditation and walk in nature just to
stumble
But I get up knowing my limitations are also doorways, windows that let the air in
The awe, the love, the I care(s)

Because of Nathan
Because of Kaia
Because my sister
AND friends
and this tribe small & BIG

I live and breathe and walk thru those days, the down days,,,the way tooo up days and now just the mundane daze
I get up to the
NOW because Of me, my years of work,,,my years on a rollercoaster …
I am tearing off this bandage of stigma
a little bloody
a little raw
And yes I am a bit punch drunk like Muhhammed Ali

Still standing
Woozy and swaying
But here