COMMUNION by Kellyann Conway

We used Oyster Crackers and sometimes Neko Wafers® as
Communion when we would play Priest.
I remember once, halfway through Mass, my
sister Flo and I stopped everything to
run down to Waltham’s Drugs and
steal a roll of Neko wafers,
since Flo ate all the packages of Oyster Crackers
and we had no communion to offer our
congregation of stuffed animals,
guinea pigs, and neighborhood cats and kids.

I never let anyone else be Priest but they all were given jobs.
I would Scream Holy Murder if some boy tried to
wrest me of my clothesline vestments on the grounds that I was

One time, Billy Baker wouldn’t kneel for his blessings
so I knocked him down, sat on his chest and held his nose closed..
When he finally opened his mouth to breathe I
dropped in that pale pink tooth-paste flavored
Neko– Communion-Wafer with a, “Bless You My Child”
and I didn’t let him up until he confessed all his sins.
Flo poured water on Billy’s s head for both
Baptism and Absolution combined, to save time.

Flo never cared about playing Priest.
She preferred to play Sister Bertrille from the t.v. show, The Flying Nun,
and stood behind me flapping her arms all throughout Mass.

Billy Baker closed our church by tattling that that we only ever gave him the
Pepsodent-flavored -pink-Neko Wafers and called him Suckie-Baby.
Our Parish Priest defrocked me and
made us polish the confessionals-
plus say one hundred Hail Mary’s.

I guess he missed the Mercy of that prayer.